A good friend and I were discussing the reality of having babies the other day at lunch. We're both planning on having children eventually, but there's always the question of when. And how does one pinpoint when to start such a challenging venture? I can't speak for my friend, but I've planned in the past when my husband and I should start trying to conceive, and when the time finally rolled around, I chickened out.
While I can plan all I want to for the perfect time of year to give birth, what the child's name should be, what kind of school he or she should go to, and watch Super Nanny on a regular basis to learn how to discipline my child, it still frightens the crap out of me to bring another human being into this world.
How do I know I would be a good mother? How do I know when the time is right to have a baby? Will I just be doing it because everyone else is doing it? And most of all, will I lose my independence? Will I just be known as Kate or Nate's mom for the rest of my life? Does my small career I've barely begun fall into a hole never to be seen again? Would I be OK with that if it did?
It's not like time is ticking away at this point. I'm only 25. But will I still feel like this when I'm 27...29...31? I would love to have children some day, I'm just not sure when some day will arrive.
6 comments:
I have no advice. I'm right there with ya, babe. (Being the friend that you had the lunch discussion with. Sorry, Cort, I ended with a preposition. :-) Scared to death of parenting... mainly because I like the idea of having a baby... but not a toddler, not a teenager... but you're pretty darn committed to ALL of that once you have the kid, ya know? Maybe our experience in working the nursery will be enlightening. (I've heard it's a good form of birth control, actually.)
My brother-in-law says that the great things about kids is that they start out cute and easy. By the time they become the really challenging toddler, kid, or teenager, you already love them enough to go through the work.
But I agree, it's a really big step to go from liking the idea of a baby to actually taking the steps to make it happen.
Also, I think that we live in a society where it is easier and easier for moms to find creative and flexible ways to be there for the kids and also have a career outlet.
You BOTH need to STOP STRESSING! You THINK you want the baby, but the toddler is MUCH easier to handle. BAbies are only fun when you can hand them back before it is time to eat/sleep/etc.
Remember, it is not just a baby/kid/whatever, it is a little person. I think we forget that sometimes when we are abstractly musing about having babies. That little person is a self-contained entity. You have to be willing to add another person to your lives: another person's habits, another person's scheudle, another person's needs, not just be aching for the baby and willing to "raise it up."
Think of it as another marriage! Yes there are differences, but the commitment is the same.
To be honest, you need to feel like you want to add this new person to your life no matter when, no matter how, and no matter on whose terms, becuase it will not be when or how you want it, and it will not be on your terms.
That said, you can be a well balanced family with children in the mix. It takes dedication and energy, maturity and flexibility. You need to have that kind of balance in your lives BEFORE you bring the baby into, if that balance is important to you.
But there are families out there who do just fine living without balance. They choose their priorities and stick to that. Life is a bit more chaotic, but some people like it that way.
Now, I MUST address the Super NAnny issue, and this is VERY serious. Yes, she does wonders with the magic of TV. But she would not be needed if those people were firm when their children first came into the world. You need to be getting parenting tips from Bible-based sources like James Dobson rather than secular tv shows. IT is a dangerous world we are in where people are watching these kinds of shows and hoping to get the kind of instruction from it that they should be seeking from better sources.
Finally, you must understand that you wil NEVER be sure in your ability to parent well until you are doing it. Then you will have good days and bad days. You will discipline your toddler and feel like it just CAN'T be right to spank that sweet little tush, but then you will see said toddler obey you the very next time, and realize that not only was it right, it was a loving gesture from a parent wanting the best for that sweet little tushy.
I don't think you should rush things. If you are feeling so much angst over the decision, it is not the right time. WHen it is the right time, you will not require or desire the input of others about the "starting point."
besos
Wow Eliza, you're always so in-depth! Karen and I have decided that you need to start a blog based solely on commenting about other people's blogs. You can call it "The Commenter." Then we could all comment on your comments because your comments are long enough to comment on. ;)
I'm just giving you a hard time! I still love reading your short stories of advice. Sheldon and I are probably going to wait a smidge longer until we decide it's right.
sorry. I start and just can't stop. I ought to just pick up the ding dong phone and do it that way.
I only comment to people I love, though!
I'm having second thoughts, too, which is crazy because I've been "ready" for over a year now, and I think John has finally embraced the idea, but now that the time has come, I'm freaking out. Some of this has to be normal... you won't ever feel really ready, will you?
And Cortney, please keep commenting... I am glad we can "keep up" with each other through blogging. I'm bad about calling, too. Just remind yourself that the comment block is really narrow, so that's why your comments look long!
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